I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
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[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
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