@JennyJohnsonHi5

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

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@juneohara65

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

@carlyken

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

@sweetmomissa

I never understood “baby” as a term of endearment – like am I cute and innocent or there’s a chance I may cry a lot and make a huge mess in my pants. I need answers.

@WheelTod

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

@hyenasandgin

Hahaha holy shit, they are doing everything to avoid saying they seized 69 big cats

@ChabbyD

My primary physician says I need to eat more ice cream sandwiches and this is why my seven year old is my primary physician.

@MatCro

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

@Vodkantots

What idiot called it “the clap” and not “dishonorable discharge?”