Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
You Might Also Like
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
me: the apple never falls far from the tree
friend: is that why its floating
me: yeah gravity is hella weird here
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
ENGINEER: and this baby will do zero to sixty in less than three seconds
ME [admiring the infant catapult]: *nods* very impressive
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat