I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

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Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.


My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.


If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.


me: the apple never falls far from the tree

friend: is that why its floating

me: yeah gravity is hella weird here


[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*


Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.


ENGINEER: and this baby will do zero to sixty in less than three seconds

ME [admiring the infant catapult]: *nods* very impressive


When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.


a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat