I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
At ease
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
How much for the goth pool noodles?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?