I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
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Every damn time
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”