a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
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If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.