I know you’ve been here. I can smell you, still taste you on my lips. I crave more, but it’s over now. Also, you’re a donut. And I ate you.

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As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?


Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*


I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.


“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow


TRAVEL AGENT: thats your flight booked sir, where would you like to be seated ?

ME:*nervously* inside the plane


Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future


If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.


All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.


Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.


[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?


[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go