@MartaEffing

I know you’ve been here. I can smell you, still taste you on my lips. I crave more, but it’s over now. Also, you’re a donut. And I ate you.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

@fro_vo

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

@Angibangie

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

@WheelTod

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

@sonictyrant

TRAVEL AGENT: thats your flight booked sir, where would you like to be seated ?

ME:*nervously* inside the plane

@LLCoolJeffrey

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

@AnnietheNanny1

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

@Reverend_Scott

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

@eudaimonium

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

@daemonic3

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go