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ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.