ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
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I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?