Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*