Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

Jurassic park gets weird

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication