Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

Baller is short for ballerina

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work