I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
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If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.