I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
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reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Very problematic
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet