I laughed at this way too hard.
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[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Good Morning.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment