Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!