I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
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“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?