Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it