I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
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everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Always 🥴
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”