I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
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The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
no way 😭
