I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
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Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
when revenge coincides with naptime
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Noah was an idiot.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I think we should hear other voices.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]