I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
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Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
“i am a sweet baby”
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert