Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening