I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
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Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Twitter fine art
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
That’s amazing.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE