Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

Huge if true.

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

Why font matters.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before