I learned about self care from watching my cat.
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Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket