I learned about self care from watching my cat.
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A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Human are so complicated
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?