Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*