I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
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[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
biblically accurate fire hydrant
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
FRED: right
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
figuring out my emotional availability:
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
This why you should mind your business
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea