@Sadieisonfire

I learned how to count cards so I could hustle idiot 4 year olds out of their juice box when we play Go Fish

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@SlabBaconBP

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

@liv_thatsme

*1st day on prozac*

Me: These are awesome! What am I supposed to take tomorrow?

Doctor: That was a 30 day supply.

Me: Whoops.

@ShellHasDragons

God, creating dogs: GIVE THEM JOY AND POOP
Angel: what about balance
God: SOMETHING THAT’LL BRING DEAD BIRDS AS GIFTS HAHAHA. CALL IT CAT.

@teenpuke

do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify

@birbigs

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

@MooseAllain

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

@gianni_bcn

If you think you are having a bad day just remenber the guy on the Titanic who falls off the ship and hits the propellor on the way down.

@cepheusjackson

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

@Marlebean

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

@flashember

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body