A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
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Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit