I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
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People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
meanwhile over on facebook
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal