I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
best first i’ve ever seen
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more