I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
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Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Every work call, he judges.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Bringing home a sharpie
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I’d love this…lol
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?