I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
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[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
My dating profile:
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.