Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.