Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

every single time

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

ME: I love you

HER:

ME: I said I love you

HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.