Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

This is my favorite one of these!

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.