I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark