I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
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One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide