Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

Me trying to “trust the process”

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

*watches the world burn*