Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

Introverted vegans go meetless

Anime is real

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads