Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it