I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
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sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Smooooooth
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.