I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
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LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Look, a pure bread cat!
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.