I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
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What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.