Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
Follow me for more parenting hacks

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

so, is there a mister shapen head

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

a McRib killed my tapeworm

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.