Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”

She: “Halloween mode?”

He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”

#Halloween #RubbishJokes

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

barbara was highly relatable

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.