Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

sensitive skin

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

Catercrombie & Fish

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef