I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
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I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Need this in my life lol
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*