Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!