Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon