Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

I ate everything, including the H.

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?