Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

Birds & Planes.

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

My dream car is a taco truck.

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared