Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

weird email i got today

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.