Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

I have questions??

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

Who’s your best friend?

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?

In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary