I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
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she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Based Erika
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here