Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.