Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually