I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
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Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.