I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
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I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.