Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
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“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I gave up going to work for lent.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.