Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
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Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
socratic questions
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.