i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
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“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
the council will decide your fate
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
