i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
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I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
me irl
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!