i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
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Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Duck typos.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.