I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
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Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”