I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
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Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors