I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
You Might Also Like
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
PLEASE READ
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok