I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
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I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
dam girl
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.