I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
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I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob