I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
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*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
courtroom exchange of the day
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Spent two days in bed with the flu and didn’t have to make dinner. So now I’m thinking about pulling a Grandpa Joe and staying in bed to get out of making dinner for another decade
Lmfao
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.