I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
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When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool