Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

thinking about a very short hotdog

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no